Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. I have come to realize that as long as she is in the fog I cannot love her enough or do enough for her to want to save our marriage. The discussions about her can be addressed at MC or in another conversation. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. We were over- marriage, life etc. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. I am trying so hard to stay busy to make him wonder what im up to, but its just exhausting me to feel like I always have to be gone when he gets home, or be doing things. And I get it bc I am exhausted too. And BTW this is all going to come back to him. I dont think she sees how much it hurts me. And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. Too chicken (or too confused to know what he wanted). He was so blinded he could not tell the difference between love and lust/infatuation. But in an altered state they believe they are fine. At the time it was happening, his growing disconnection from me and lack of empathy for years makes me believe he just intended to stonewall and ignore it as long as necessary, thinking Id let it go. Shortly after I found an organization that tries to help save marriages. Its not hate or love. He texted me and said he would be home in 15 mins. I love him so much. I am in disbelief this is happening to me because my kids are so normal and good. I can tell you I wa lucky they did for me. You did exactly what I would have done because we are too nice. Even though I know thats whats best, and I told him I do know that. Hanging out in bars. You will never regret standing up for yourself. The typical phrases I hear are Where has the man I married gone to? This is not the man I married What could she possibly be thinking? Its like shes a completely differentperson. I dont know the laws in your country but do not let him steamroll you. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. Now we are married (family influence I think and I kind of got blackmailed into it by him and my older sister with the nude pictures he had seen before when I asked for us to postpone the wedding) its just a rollercoaster of accusations driving me to do things everytime I start falling back in love with him. Its more like hes there. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. I see what he does and I KNOW I dont want a husband like this, yet I still love him and would want to work on it..WHAT?! Im in the early stages of affair fog- my H started to act weird start of November, secret calls and text, late nights usual stuff I got our phone bill saw a number didnt know and searched on Facebook the girl he claimed to be just friends with, I approached him he denied I kicked him out he had no where to go he went and moved in with her only known her over a month living together he has admitted the affair.. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. I dont even want to focus on all the ways hes hurt me, I just want to feel okay in my own skin right now and maybe he will see that and feel a connection again, regardless, I cant have days like today. I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. Nothing penetrates the fog. Thats terrifying. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. He realized he had everything he wanted and needed and it was right in front of him his whole life. Although he has been. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. Here is a transcribed excerpt from that session. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. I thought we were past the A. Then its over. She was 40 my husband 58. I chose to REPEATEDLY try and try and try. My H never complained he had no freedom. You are absolutely right. I know I went into a type of shock the day I stumbled onto my husbands EA. Regroup. 1. I feel SO all over the place. The first 2 years of Reconciliation were not easy. That began a stage of life where she underwent 40 hours of therapy a week with strangers practically living in our home to work with her. Saying we wont ever be able to move past this unless I magically wake up and see that im this controlling person who didnt appreciate him, etc. Nothing worked or changed him. I know down the road he would regret it. When she was messaging me nasty messages he couldnt stand up for me. His addiction. I too went through the limbo stage but I was getting the I want a D discussion. When he wasnt home around 45 mins later I said forget this. I hope all is well!!! 3 Signs of a Midlife Crisis Coming to an End - What to get Forgiveness takes a long time. He was nice during that time, as a matter of fact hes always been nice. Your own reasons. And honestly, I do understand where hes coming from with some stuff. But lied about it and snuck around. I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. He doesnt want your help. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. The old line love you but not in love with you. They have court up once and spent the night together but didt have sex. It makes me wonder if he is with her, but then I think theres no way. And I dont say a word. Its called the Plan B. After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. Deal with your stress and anxiety in a productive way. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! I was calm and practical and told him if he does not want to be married any more (after 25 years) feel free to go. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. And I feel like my value just decreases for him everyday we continue living together in a way. I am a lot different now and thats mainly because of how his EA changed me. He just had to break the bad news to her. Regardless, keep focusing on yourself and your kids. She keeps saying she is confused and needs space. It will protect YOU from his poor choices and lying. (so untrue but whats the point), I said Okay, well YOU DONT, bc youre NOT HERE. That evening my H came home, I showed him the bills and said This sh*t stops NOW! He looked remorseful, and then surprised as I took his phone, put it on speaker phone, called her and said Deanna, this is Kelly and Im calling to tell you to STOP TEXTING MY HUSBAND. He said I am wrong and that he doesnt want this to keep coming up but also said it shouldnt matter, as we are not working on us right now regardless. Midlife crisis and depression have some common symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, irritability, and reckless behavior. And part of me believes him, and part of me thinks you may be right about a possible different woman. There is no excuse for cheating and doing what he is doing. Unfortunately the spouse is the unwitting victim. Thats why I love this blog. Over the last couple of days, with help from articles like this, I am realizing that I have been a doormat and have allowed my wife to be a cake eater. And I let him back in 6 days later like an idiot and soon enough, it all falls apart again. I have a close friend that cheated and is not 18 months post him coming clean and his wife calling it quits. & whatever we did before, in the marriage is a death sentence, already. I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. 18 Reasons why NOT to have an affair - After My Affair QUESTION? I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! The issue w/ my H was he would tell me be home by 12 pm and show up at 3 am with no call or courtesy. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? Its funny you said those 2 options bc during our argument the other day he said something like we will never get past this unless you see it my way, or something like that. I feel like im losing my mind. I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. And 2-3 days later he would tell me he wasnt sure what he wanted. There are people like that. But for some reason he would change his mind and then regret would appear and two weeks later he wanted a D (yet again). I found out (6 months pregnant) that he was having an affair. Get your self together. Started as EA but became more than that. I dont know how he feels about this, but in my opinion this limbo sucks. I left and am now sleeping at a friends house. Not an issue. You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. And I have my DDay2 showdown to prove I will do it. I wasnt happy in our marriage so im justifying doing the things I want to do. Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. What Is a Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes And How To Cope With It Any advice will be appreciated, thank you. I responded to his text saying You want a different life, and you should go live it. Nothing YOU do is going to destroy your M. Whether you argue or beg or plead or ignore or act nice or are too calm none of this will have any impact. Or just dont engage with him except about finances and your baby. Im hoping that today and yesterday feel SO awful bc he is out of town and its just making me crazy, I am hoping once he is back in town I will not feel this horrible. I just want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Tried and true solutions I learned the hard way. He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. Then everything started to make sense. How sad it comes to that. Right now is affecting my work; I cant concentrate, thinking about them. But I get so upset bc I know if he is still speaking with her, he should in NO WAY be living in our home. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. Is sick of me accusing him, said I made him leave the house and hes out and he doesnt care anymore, etc etc. I said to him that when he met the OW he became a bar rat bc she was a bartender and he went to her bar everyday after work, and now hes doing that same thing at home, just without her involved. The fog has a powerful hold on the CS. He said now he know i wasnt love. I still have flashbacks and remain on alert. Im not playing. I wish he had any idea how this feels. Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. And then I lost all that power the minute I invited him back. A good portion of my time for this website is devoted to mentoring people who are struggling with infidelity in some way. Just to protect yourself. No fight. I have no friends or family no job since he never allow me to and with the pandemic lock down I havent had any luck. My H initially went to counseling twice and quit. unfortunately you were heading down this path. Dopamine, Bc this is absolutely awful. I cant explain it, I do know he loves me, but its almost as if he doesnt realize how much he loves me until he no longer has me. And then went running back to her in the fall. and I think he knows that. You have told him to leave but yet he does not. The longer the 180 goes on the more likely it will be that you will no longer have hope of Reconciliation. Your confrontation with him was to try and get your M off life support. Get a lawyer ASAP and a financial plan B. Bestie, I agree with First Wife, but wanted to add that I think youre doing the right thing. 2. He went mostly no-contact (she was a work friend), and then after a couple months, she threatened suicide. You have told him he needs to move out. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. I know that hurts, but that is probably the reality of the situation. I have always been the most important person to him, I know he has loved me more than he loved ANYONE in his life, like I was just the one thing that really mattered, and now I feel like I dont matter and im so confused by that. Web**Depression is present throughout the mid-life crisis until the first phase of the final stage of Acceptance, where he would go through his second awakening-where the veil of the Im working out, im a great new mom, im getting in great shape and everyone is noticing, and hes waking up most mornings hungover. She was surprised and said OK. Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. Hold your head up and be the best mom and person you can be. To this day I see him as needed but the good news is that I can weather this crazy storm and still be a good parent and keep it together. I believe when he says he loves me, I do know he does. He has to want it enough to try, and hes DEFINITELY not there yet. The affair fog is a mighty grip On reality for the cheater. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. You are tired of living in limbo. Add in that we planned for a baby and are now raising our beautiful 5 month old daughter, I am trying to be fair to him and not keep her from him in any way, while also maintaining my sanity and possibly my need to move on from him. Its like im suffocating him just by existing honestly. Dishonest. I have recently went through a very similar experience (but caught the messages much earlier) and left my SO. He talks about how he wants to do all these adventurous things and he doesnt want to be held back, but hes not doing anything like that. Its more him having these perceptions of me and the outside world, totally different then he used to. BUT.writes he hasnt given up on us yet! You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. I dont know a normal timeframe, I dont know if there is one. I completely committed to 180 and immediately started feeling better. Lunches everyday, hours of flirting, even when on vacation with us when I was pregnant with my first son. Linda: Honestly, this is why its so difficult to pinpoint because most of the time, when you start doing the things like checking the phone records or talking to the [affair partners]husband, what happens is they end up getting more secretive. Im so much better than this. Im not saying D him. Hang in there. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . Dont we wish we could go back and have a do over. You are not discussing anything. Had he pulled this crap before the baby I probably would have told him to kick rocks, get his shit together, and get back to me when he woke the hell up and realized what a mistake he was making.
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